The Cabinet of Dr Cameroni

Transformation

About a year ago I got cataracts. The NHS kindly replaced my crystallising lenses with nice new clear acrylic ones. I was able to throw away my glasses. For several weeks, though, I couldn't go to poetry readings and read my poems, so I took up my guitar again and began to sing them instead. This has proved transformational. 

I've kept my old Spanish guitar, but without too much difficulty I found a beautiful steel string guitar called a Tanglewood. It sounds like a Martin, but because it's manufactured in China, it was much cheaper.

I used to have trouble with my fingernails, which are naturally rather soft and prone to go ragged or break. Nowadays I can go into any nail bar and get acrylic nails that will last for about a month and are better than fingerpicks. 

Times have changed in other ways. Now I have a little electronic gadget I clip on the head of the guitar to help me tune it. If the battery runs out on that I have an app on my telephone that'll do the job. I have two or three really good capos, a great strap and an astonishingly good pick-up in my sound box. I use strings called Elixir that sound wonderful and last a long time.

You can get the lyrics to almost anything on the internet. You can see and hear millions of people, famous and obscure, singing their songs on You Tube - even I'm there now.  You can get free tutorials. With a lot of practice I can now play 'Blackbird' pretty much like McCartney does. I also have a funky version of the St James Infirmary Blues.

I used to go to poetry readings with a folder tucked under my arm. Now I stride about the streets with a guitar case and it's a very different experience. People smile at you. People speak to you. When you meet other people carrying guitars you can chat very easily. It's like being a member of a club, or a BMW owner. You can jam with other musicians in a way you can't among poets. Women look at you differently - honest. You're not just a scruff with a book, you're a scruff with soul.

I've enjoyed myself enormously, and the muse has visited me. You can order my first CD 'Litanies' from Rrrants.com - 10 songs for a mere £5.00. I've just finished recording the second - 'Kids' songs you may not have heard' and it will be available before Christmas.

Have a little listen -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7b7_M2Ql7is

or:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TI4786IsZI

Q: What is the most ludicrous belief you have ever heard of?

A: (possibly by o8server IV) The belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

14 ways to make people believe something ludicrous

1. Drum it into them from an early age.

2. Beat them if they challenge you or show signs of independent thought.

3. Tell them if they believe when they die they will spend eternity in blissful union with the master of the universe. N.B. in the meantime blissful union with you might be a passable substitute.

4. Tell them if they don't believe when they die they will suffer dreadful tortures for eternity. N.B. Don't understate. Also, punish them severely from time to time to emphasise this point.

5. Tell them that everyone they love and trust believes.

6. Tell them that everyone who doesn't believe is a dangerous lunatic.

7. Take a tithe. This will give them a vested interest in the ludicrous belief.

8. Use the tithe (after you have provided for yourself in reasonable luxury as the ludicrous belief's representative on earth) to build beautiful buildings, pay artists to produce beautiful works of art and musicians to produce beautiful music all in praise of the ludicrous belief.

9. Give them colourful and dramatic rituals.

10. Make them work really hard, but give them ludicrous belief holidays several times a year.

11. Keep at them. If possible run a television station and forbid them to watch any other.

12. Keep them busy with fetes, festivals, jumble sales, mothers' meetings, whist drives, bingo or any other mindless trivia you can think of. Don't give them time to think. They'll only get into trouble.

13. Make them feel terribly guilty, especially about sex, and tell them that only you can forgive them.

14. Forgive them, for they know not what they do.

FAQ

· Q: What to do about the supporters of other ludicrous beliefs?

· A: Disparage them, belittle them, pity them, offer to incorporate them and if necessary, make war and destroy them.

· Q: What to do about people who give up, or oppose the ludicrous belief?

· A: Humiliate, imprison, torture, maim or execute them in terrifying and public ways. If none of this is practicable, excommunicate them with big public ceremony, then pretend they're dead.

Remember - your ludicrous belief depends on YOU

12 Fish Fingers

12 fish fingers photographed
on the surface of Mars
by a tiny land rover -
conclusive proof that we
are not alone in the universe
but what does it say about us
that the Martians,
who are prepared to eat
blue fish fingers
still don't want to talk to us...

Ungulate

(Mammal with hooves)

Hooves are not, strictly speaking, feet,
But rather toenails.
This is why
Ungulates are elegant
They don't walk
They glide along on tippy-toe.
This is how the cow
Jumped over the moon -
Balletically.

June the 29th 1867
Was a bad day for ungulates
(And other native Americans)
Buffalo Bill Cody
To feed the workers
Of the Kansas Pacific Railway
Shot 2,525 American bison.

Franz Josef, Emperor of Austria,
Having recently been beaten up
By Bismark and having recently
Heard of the death of his brother
(The former emperor of Mexico)
By firing squad
And having recently been told of
The bad habits of his son Rudolf
(The future suicide)
Went out from his hunting lodge
In Bad Ischl
And shot 1,597 ungulates
Of various sorts and sizes.
Then he brought back the horns -
Even the tiny ones -
And hung them on the walls
Where they can still be seen…

William Cody and Franz Josef
Are still very popular
In some circles
Of this planet.

Nothing ever stays the same

there is a vulture called Caligula
sitting on the roof ridge
I thought perhaps he came
to eat the squirrels
or the crows
something should
but he ignores them
staring only at me
little flaming eyes
huge Roman nose
he’s been driven mad by global warming
an illegal immigrant
who wants my house
and my liver
he plans to make his horse
chairman of Haringey Council
he might as well
I stayed indoors for three days
when I peeped out
I saw hyenas peeping in
through the brambles
cranes dabbing at the brassica
enormous insects inspecting the compost
I went to chase them away
Caligula’s left eye impaled me
I scraped back inside
locked the door
drank whisky
ate a doughnut
I can hear strange noises out there
I think it’s a rhinoceros
rubbing against the damson tree
I’m expecting the legions of wart hogs
and baboons very soon
I won’t be able
to build the wall in time
I’ll have to rely on diplomacy

HEAR THIS

Elephant

Nellie the elephant

trod on a landmine

in Thailand

they had to amputate

and owing to the shortage

of wooden legs for elephants

they advertised

on the internet

a penitent lady from Kensington

sent them her

elephant's foot

umbrella stand